Isn’t it always little bit of a wild card when a friend says she wants to come to the barn with you? I don’t mean the friend with the horse-besotted niece—that’s easy. To a horse-crazy child, you represent the dream. Even if the day is hot and full of flies, the child will have a wonderful time going on a lead-line walk and feeding your horse treats. The sponsoring adult will swell with pride at her brilliance for thinking of this adventure, and everyone will bask in the warm light of wish fulfillment.

But when an adult asks to go with you, it’s different. First, you wonder why, exactly. If he’s considering buying a horse, or she’s interested in riding lessons, that’s one thing. But sometimes, a friend will just say, “Hey, I’d like to come out to the barn with you sometime.” The next step is to see if she will say it just once, then let it slide. But certain people won’t. They’ll remind you. Maybe they pick their own apples out near the barn, or their cousin used to live over there. “I know right where that is,” they say.

So you say “OK” and make a date.

Do it yourself

There’s no template for this event, as there would be for a child’s visit. (Pat, ride, photo, treats, done.) It’s not as if someone has decided to accompany you to a workout class or a favorite restaurant, where the agenda is set. Once your friend arrives at the barn—where to park? (No, not next to all the trailers.) Can the dog come? (No.) I often try to look at the boarding barn where I’ve kept horses for 16 years through someone else’s eyes, and I just can’t do it. Everything is too familiar and dear, tractor to tack room to jump standards. So I just have to wait for the questions and commentary: What’s this one’s name? What do you call the horse that looks like a spotted cow? So that’s what a real hayloft looks like!

In everyday life, you and your friend are equals, comrades. But suddenly, you are in charge. You need to tell him not to walk too closely behind the horse and hold his hand out flat to feed treats and oh, gosh, please don’t let the horse stand on that lead rope. A horse stomped on a friend’s sneakered foot once. Another time I watched a friend, seeking to admire the landscape, go to lean against an electric fence and I shouted, “Fence! No! I mean … the fence!”—which must have been really alarming—and negated the gentle lecture I’d just delivered about the importance of keeping calm around horses.

Come as you are

Yes, there have been a few disasters. And sometimes it can seem like a chore—a friend visit significantly alters the day you’d planned to spend with your horses. But lately, as I’ve grown older and started to puzzle more over the way we interact with each other and how our animals figure in those interactions, I’ve come to think of the barn visit as a hallmark of real friendship. Because isn’t it a sign that your friend wants to see you close up, as you really, truly are? That friend has figured it out: Something’s missing in the place they got to know you. The real you, she can see, is never entirely there at a party, in the office, at the gym. Most people don’t see that, but a friend does, and wonders about it. One day, she realizes: This has something to do with those horses.

So clear your day and welcome those friends. Because someone who comes to the barn really cares.